I made new year resolutions this year, for the first time in as long as I can remember. I’ve got big ideas and bold plans for the year ahead: Writing, Yoga, Adventure. Above all, awareness.
All told, I had a great 2014. A year of travelling all over the world, a year of creativity and friends and laughter and so many fun times. So many happy photos on Facebook, upbeat updates on Twitter. But there was more going on behind the scenes. There was a lot of "broken-ness". There was sickness and sorrow, jealousy and bitterness, envy and hopelessness. I don’t like to advertise it when I sob on the floor. I don’t think any of us do.
When I thought about this post, I was going to post an artful little shot of my resolution preparation: notebook, fire, glass of wine.
But fuck that.
You wouldn’t be able to see the counter full of dishes, the rumpled bed, the dust and dirt that accumulates when I’m busy pursuing my dreams (or procrastinating).
It wasn't perfect. But I am really excited about the year ahead. I don't know where it will lead, just like I couldn't have predicted where 2014 would lead. Sometimes that's really scary. Sometimes I don't know what I am doing at all. Sometimes I feel broken, lost, messy. But then I look back and so much has happened even in the darkest times.
So, if you are feeling broken, lost, messy, alone or like you don’t know what you are doing or where you are going? You are not alone, I have you in my heart <3
To keep track for myself for those days when all feels lost, in no particular order, here’s what I am most proud of myself for accomplishing in 2014:
- Finished the first draft of my novel
- Gave a talk about play and the occult at game festival (twice!)
- Brought a game I designed to a game festival (twice!)
- Saved up and went to Thailand for a month
- Taught project management to some fantastic students in DIT
- Actually made rent money from writing
- Sustainably supported myself through freelancing work for the first time
- Met and talked about writing with two of my heroes (M John Harrison & Grant Morrison)
- Taught interactive fiction at the Irish Writers Centre
- Ate olives
- Became a full-time part of the Fumbally Exchange community
- Did a handstand in yoga
- Finally paid my 2010 income tax (I know!)
- My name is on MARS right now!
- Guested on my favourite podcast (twice!)
And for those days where everything seems possible, I want to remember to keep a check on what I’m not proud of at all & aim to be better at in 2015:
- Procrastinating all the live long day all the live long week all the live long month all the live long year...
- Jealousy and envy, so much jealousy and envy!
- Making excuses for anything for everything
- Sticking my head in the sand about money/security/health
- Hubris of the highest order
- Mess mess mess mess mess
- Over-reliance on social media to fill/alleviate moments of anxiety
- Not doing enough yoga/meditation